Hi, beautiful soul.
Don’t you hate it when you get in the grip of guilt and then you feel like stuck in a black hole?
Or when you feel the stings of jealousy so strong that you can’t sleep at night?
I know I can’t stand feeling like this. Cause it sucks. Big time!
So what should we do?
Hide in the dark and hope it will pass? Meh.
There are other ways. Keep reading.
This post is the second part of the series dedicated to negative emotions: what to do about them for the highest good, of yourself and anyone around you.
If you haven’t read the previous post make sure you check it out before reading this one. There I explain a few of the neurological and hormonal changes that happen in your brain and body when you are subjected to anger.
I also touch on the buddhist view of things, which, quite surprisingly, is very coherent with what modern science has to say. Only that it uses different words. Go figure!
And you get tools to handle anger without repressing it or acting it out in ways that would make you regret it later. Very quick overview: take the elevator; imagine your emotions as guests; meditate to create a buffer.
So, now that we’ve done this little recap, let’s dig into today’s topic.
The other major guests in your house that you usually don’t want to host or cater to for more than it is necessary for their message to come through are:
Guilt, Shame, Jealousy, Envy, Resentment, Sadness
To make this easier to follow we’ll tackle them one by one. We’ll get to the first one in a minute.
Before that, let me give you another perspective on how we deviate from our loving, pure, perfect core, which is our Soul, and end up acting out different roles: The Helpless Victim, The Abuser, The Saviour, The Bitter Resentful Bitch, The Shamed Child, The Sad Joe or The Angry Jane.
(I’m so good at playing the Helpless Victim, which one is your favourite? 🙂
And of course there are many other combinations of these “personas” or roles that we embrace throughout our lives, but for today we stick to only a few.
The thing is like this: when you are a child, you are dependent for your survival on the adults around you. There’s not much you can do in your first years of life, so you often feel helpless and dependent on other people.
And because of that you have some basic fears that are meant to keep you alive:
- fear of death – survival mode
- fear of not belonging
- fear of not having intimate connection
- fear of being alone
So because of these basic fears, anytime an important figure in your life does something that keeps you from manifesting your Soul’s desire, which in essence is pure love, joy, creativity and has a desire to help everyone live their truth, you suffer a shock. Bang!
And then you only have 2 options:
- you go into soul retreat – which is what a depressive state looks like
- or you create a persona, a mask that will allow you to go on living, even if not from your true core.
So throughout your life, in the process of education, depending on how nurturing or abusing your parents and other authority figures have been, you’ll create less or more of these personas so you can survive.
Are you still with me? Good.
The problem is that, even if you don’t need them anymore as an autonomous adult, they’ve become so accustomed to you that you think: “this is who I am”.
You think you ARE a an angry, sad or guilty person by default.
Which is not true.
Or you think that when [A] happens – (replace [A] with any event or person that will trigger these personas) your only choice is [B] (replace [B] with any of the personas that helped you survive as a child).
That’s why you need to understand these masks and make an effort to create that buffer that will allow you to disidentify from them and act from your strong, beautiful Soul.
I see now how this theory is supported and complemented by the neurological pathways one that I told you about in the previous article.
Anyhow, let’s get to these personas or masks that we all cary around as our second skin or really tight suit ☺.
The “magic” trick is that whenever a trigger comes up we should do the following: observe the persona that awakens and become aware of their presence; e.g. “Oh, I see I am acting out as The Helpless Victim now”…hmmmm…interesting.
This process of observation allows us to take a step back and then the magic happens: we can then CHOOSE if we want to act from the persona’s or from our our Soul’s perspective. Yey! 🙂
Good, now that you’ve found out the magic trick we can all go have an ice cream. That’s it.
You don’t need to read the rest of this long post.
Unless you want to find out the specifics about each of these negative emotions.
Still here? I prefer guilt-free-chocolate-ice-cream with a sprinkle of shameless-vanilla-topping, in case you want to bring me some.
Good, now let’s talk about the first guests:
Shame and Guilt
Well aren’t these two a nice pair!
There a million reasons or triggers that might make us invite these guests into our houses.
It’s important to know that what might be a trigger for me might be completely irrelevant to you, and viceversa. (Like you might like pistachio ice-cream, while I would pass by it completely not-interested.)
From the perspective of your Soul’s or heart’s reality, you feel shame when:
– you are trying to invade someone’s space in an abusive way
– you are using more power than necessary over someone less strong than yourself, like a child or an old person
– you betray your Soul, going against what feels right for you
The hidden message of Shame: you’re doing something wrong to someone else or yourself.
Shame turns into Guilt if you succeed in hurting another person or continue betraying your Soul’s truth by going in the wrong direction.
The hidden message of Guilt: I will torment you until you do something to make a mens.
Soul Solution: do something to repair the abuse that you’ve consciously or unconsciously done over someone; or stop, breath and reassess the path you are going and then choose the one you know is right for you.
False Guilt or False Shame
I can hear you think: “whaaaat, is there such a thing as false guilt or false shame? How can I experience a “false” feeling? I know what I’m feeling, how can it be false?”
If you remember, I ended the previous post with this question:
“Did you ever feel weird when someone asked for your help, and a part of you said “yeah, let’s help this poor person”, but another part of you was reluctant, feeling like “nope, they don’t really want my help?”
Anyhow, lemme explain a bit more.
Have you ever experienced this: sometimes, with some people, no matter how much you help them they are never OK? I know it happened to me a couple of times.
And after a while it sucked. I felt like no matter what I was doing that person was never happy.
They continued to ask, ask, ask but they never really did something relevant with the help I offered to get themselves out of their black hole.
So what in the name of flying unicorns is going on with these people?
There are human beings around us who are so caught up in their dark spaces, so separated from their true selves, from their Souls, that they turn into “professional victims”.
They create an identity from their Poor Me Persona so they’ll trigger the Saviour or the Abuser in the unconscious people around. (“Unconscious” refers to the degree of awareness, not to the fact that someone’s awake or sleeping.)
They become so good at triggering your week points that, if you are not centred and aware you fall into the trap. Bang, and you don’t even know what hit you! (I’ve just realised I’ve been using a lot of “bang” today!)
You know there’s something wrong because you experience False Guilt or False Shame.
You are helping them because you feel guilty or shamed not because you genuinely want to help.
This is an uncomfortable state and you might repeat it a few times until you learn to recognise the person who is in a genuine need for help from the one who’s just a Professional Victim.
You don’t do them any favour on the long term if you continue helping them to maintain this way of being.
Of course it will not be easy to tell them no, they might turn into Abusers but if you keep yourself centred and aligned with your truth they’ll eventually either break free from their persona or get away from you. Either way, it’s a win-win.
This guest or persona appears when you separate from what is good for you: a place, a person etc.
Soul Solution: observe the thing or person you are drawn to and ask for guidance from your Higher Self, your guiding Angels or whatever form of superior guidance you are used to communicate with.
This guest is another aspect of anger. It appears to warn you that someone is using your energy with an impure intent. It relates back to the Professional Victim case above.
Envy and Jealousy
Another joly pair! They are both part of the spectrum of Inspiration.
You are inspired by the way someone is or by what they have accomplished in their life when you see them and think: “I can also become like them one day or I can also succeed in that regard!”
Envy covers the aspect of having or owning stuff.
It appears when you see someone that has something you also want but you don’t believe you can ever get to that point.
You think something like: “I’ll never be able to buy a house or a car like that!”
Jealousy is about the aspect of being.
It appears when you see someone being in certain way and you belive you’ll never be able to be like them.
For example: “I’ll never be as famous/thin/gracious/rich/happy as them!”
Both envy and jealousy though have this secret message: if you feel them it means you have what it takes to achieve what you are envious or jealous of.
If the seed for that was not already in you, you wouldn’t have been able to see or recognize those traits in another person.
The most dangerous form of jealousy appears in couple relationships.
Most toxic relationships are born like this: one person doesn’t express a part of her soul and she’s irrestibly drawn to one that does express it.
For example: a guy who doesn’t express joy or vulnerability is drawn to a very joyful and feminine woman. He thinks he can never express these sides of his Soul and he wants to posses the person who expresses them. Having sex is the closest way of being with and possessing that person.
If he doesn’t alllow himself to express these sides of his Soul he will become jealous. In time this can turn to distructive jealousy when he might want to destroy what he can’t have.
This can happen to both man and women, I’ve just given this example to make it easier to understand.
Soul Solution: whenever you feel envious or jealous remind yourself that you have what it takes to have what you want or to manifest the sides of your soul just like that person you’re jealous of. If this weren’t true you would have past by them without any reaction.
So it’s on you to take a step back and start acting towards accomplishing your desires using that person as an inspiration and a model of success. Thinking: “If s/he can do this, I can do it too!” will get back on track with your Soul’s truth.
Whenever you feel bad, be it sad, ashamed, guilty, jealous or envious your Soul is trying to tell you something.
It usually means you are about to do or already have done something wrong against your truth or somone else’s truth.
Taking a moment to breath and observe what’s really going on and then taking the reparatory actions if need be will free your house from these guests.
They will go away by themselves. Not because you kicked them out or hidden them in the basement, but because once you’ve heard and listened to their message, their presence is not needed anymore.
Their mission is complete. And you can go back to experiencing your Soul’s reality, which is love, joy, kindness, generosity and creativity.
With all my love,
P.S. I know it’s more complicated to break free from our personas’ grip than just to observe them and step back, at least in the beginning. That’s why the next post will be all about practical tools to help you get back on track when you’ve already fallen in a “black hole”.